D:
I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.
Main reason Santa is so jolly: because he knows where all the bad girls live
I will temporarily rule the world, forever.
If everything is coming your way, your in the wrong lane.
If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
The problem with reality is a lack of background music.
Straight is something crooked that was bent.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Assassins do it from behind.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Oh lord, give me patience. AND GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
